*wrote this back in October--now just getting a chance to post.
It has been several weeks now since
I got my traffic violation leaving work on a Friday afternoon--quite frazzled
if I may add. Looking back now I wonder why I was so frazzled, it seems I have
already forgotten the specifics of what had been weighing me down that day,
that week, and for that matter that month. Now as I write I remember what
triggered the storm and angst. About mid-September I lost a dear friend. I had
been invited by phone personally to attend her funeral. As a courtesy it is my
assumption that your friends and family members will pay respects by attending
your funeral when you pass, but being on the receiving end and getting that
personal invitation was so special. I will never forget it, nor will I ever
forget my friend. I may just have to follow suit and do the same when my time
comes, that is if I get advanced notice, because you never do know when death will
come knocking at your door. You can tell I have just finished studying the book
of Ecclesiastes where Solomon speaks about life as ‘hebel’ in Hebrew and
translated into English as ‘vapor.’ Vapor being defined by Merriam-Webster as “something
unsubstantial or transitory” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vapor).
I know my Jewish friend would appreciate my Hebrew reference from the Old
Testament. I miss sharing my faith with
her. I hope I shared enough…
That is where the whole traffic
story started. A close friend passed and as I reflect back on our time together
guilt began to overtake me and I felt like I had failed her and failed God. I didn't
share the gospel of Jesus; I missed the opportunities to REALLY share my faith
in Christ and my personal testimony. I didn't listen to the promptings and held
back for fear of offending. Or did I do my best and stay true to who I am,
which is a fallen flesh, but a devoted lover and follower of Christ, and a loved
child of God. It was haunting me. The last visit with her I was late and all
because I stayed at work later than planned. I had to go even though she didn't
answer her phone. I arrived and she was fast asleep. When I walked into her
room she was like a sleeping baby, peaceful and all curled up and snuggled in
her bed. Just like you never wake a sleeping baby, I could not wake her. For
fear of my last visit, I eventually tried. No luck. I remember an aide coming
in and placing her hand on her chest, like you do when you check your baby in
the crib to make sure their still breathing.
The aide said, "I just wanted to make sure she is still
breathing." She was.
I sat there in the chair across
from her bed. Playing on my I-phone,
because that is what we do when we don't know how to sit still. Then I stopped.
I just sat and watched her breathing, and I prayed. Prayed that she would come
to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and prayed for peace, comfort, her
family, etc. I left a hand written note and headed home. That was the last time
I saw her.
Driving to pick up my son from
childcare that day I felt so tired, stressed, burdened. I had been carrying a heavy weight on my
shoulders and asking God why. I had been getting no answers. I guess I turned
left on green yield which is allowed, but my violation of not yielding to the
pedestrians walking was what was worthy of a ticket. Not only did I not yield to the pedestrians
on one occasion, but twice. That is why you are not supposed to use your cell
phone while driving. Bad habit I am still trying to kick--it is truly
dangerous. I was pulled over and the truth is I had no idea what I had done.
Actually I knew I had just used my cell phone and that is against the law in
the state I was in. But I felt that the
officer did not pull me over for that.
The short built and stern faced officer approached my window and rather
abruptly said, “Mam do you know why I pulled you over?” I honestly proceeded to say no, but shared
that I had been using my cell phone. He was not too happy. I told on myself. I
guess you could say I confessed. The officer asked me for my driver’s license
and insurance. Of course I could not find the car insurance paperwork
anywhere—or at least not a current one and to add to the mess my license had
just expired. I was screwed. The officer
walked away very mad and I do not blame him, totally guilty on so many levels and
all I could was sit there and pray in my seat.
I don't remember what I prayed, because
I deserved the ticket. I prayed even though I had been feeling distant from
God. It was the cost I was worried about. The officer came over and named each
violation and how much each one should cost. The tickets totaled so somewhere
around $700, but he said he would only charge me for one violation and this was
saving me $550 or so. I just began to cry and tears began rolling down my face.
The officer's tone and facial expressions changed. He gave me grace. Grace as
described in the Bible as “unmerited favor.” Felt like in that moment in time God
was telling me, “Megan I am full of grace, and all your violations have been
erased--I don't even make you pay for one. Jesus Christ was sent by God to die
on the cross for your sins, God's only son. We are forgiven. We just have to
ask for God's forgiveness, ask Christ into our hearts, and confess in faith
that He is Lord of our lives. All those life violations--sin—are and have been washed
away. 'White as snow', as David says in the Psalms. Megan only I can turn hearts to me, but you
are my vessel, you are the light, and keep shining bright. You were you. I know
you’re upset because I can't explain it all and unable to answer all your whys.
Trust and rest in me.” That day I felt God's grace pour over me. I needed it. I
was reminded to give myself some grace and that I can never earn God's grace,
but that I have to ask and receive and trust. A weight lifted.
I miss you friend.
Meg
