Cancer

Cancer

Unfortunately that word is spoken much more often then any of us like. 

Official definition: the disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body.

Oh but it does so much more...the impact that cancer has on individuals and their loved ones cannot be summed up in a simple definition. The shock, the heart ache, the fear, the stress, the suffering, the pain and the list goes on. 

But one word comes to mind of so many people who have been impacted by this uncontrollable division of abnormal cells. 

Resilient. 

Definition of resilience. 1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress. 2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change   (Merriam Webster). 

As an oncology social worker and patient advocate I come face to face with individuals facing cancer on a daily basis. In my previous professional work I walked alongside individuals with cancer at their bedside as they fought the uncontrollable division of abnormal cells. 

I have experienced first hand the resiliency of so many with cancer who face it with courage, hopefulness and grace. It's beautiful to see. It doesn't always make sense, but some have that ability to remain resilient. Along with their family and friends who walk alongside them. 

I learn so much from each persons life and story. Each unique. Each challenge me and remind me to be thankful for my health, my life, my family and my friends. None of us are  immune from these uncontrollable division of cells. 

I'm thankful that I have been blessed with the chance to walk with all these resilient people and encourage those who grow weary. I tell them "I don't know what your facing or what your going through, but I am here to do my best to understand and assist you and your family in any way possible."  It's a gift and a joy to do the work I do. My life is changed and impacted on a daily by my 9-5. I would not want it any other way. Thank you for letting me in.

This blog comes about today because my heart and mind are reminded of those who have passed away from the uncontrollable division of cells--cancer. Those individuals for whom I did not know it would be my last appointment. Arranging a free cab ride home post chemotherapy, assisting with the dreaded short-term and long-term employer paperwork, over tears inquiring of how those left behind will manage and trying to find a way to send you and your family on a free and much needed vacation that you could not afford. The list goes on. I'm reminded to give my best even on my bad days because it may be the last visit.

On a personal note several resilient individuals who have touched lives all over their cities, country and world have passed away recently of cancer. They will be missed. Barry Logsdon & Dale Sexauer. Please read obituaries below:

http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/dailypress/obituary.aspx?n=&pid=188015671&referrer=0&preview=True

http://m.legacy.com/obituaries/dailypress/obituary.aspx?n=dale-herrick-sexauer&pid=187988140&referrer=0&preview=false

What they had in common. Resiliency and a faith in Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior. They each shared Jesus' love with more people then they ever could count or know. Read below for the legacy they leave behind...

https://www.google.com/amp/www.dailypress.com/news/newport-news/dp-nws-newport-nws-judge-dies-20180129-story,amp.html

http://www.wrldhrvst.org/about_us

Two scriptures below come to mind and rings true of these two men of God who have left a legacy that will be blessed for many years to come even though they are not with us on this physical earth to see it. They are instead standing with God in heaven with joy, praise, thanksgiving and health watching their legacy live on. On behalf of all those you have touched thanks  for living, walking and sharing in your gifting. May the rest of us be inspired to do the same so we too can leave a legacy. "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"

◄ Isaiah 61 ►

New International Version The Year of the Lord’s Favor 1The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,a 2to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. 4They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. 5Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. 6And you will be called priests of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. 7Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. 8“For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. 9Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lordhas blessed.” 10I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations. Much love--Meg--

Waves of Grace Welcome

I have not blogged in forever. It's nice to get back to it. My life lately has been full of writing material. Waves of grace welcome. Topic for today--the week--the month--the year is...being a working mom.  The world tells us we can do it all--be a mom, work, work out, stay skinny and fit, be at every game and the list goes on. Just fill in your blank. Wait, maybe it's not the world telling us we can do it all and do it perfectly, but it's ourselves. We see or easily make assumptions and believe every other working mom (or dad) is doing it perfectly. They are not loosing their temper with their child, they are at every game and on time, they can handle the stress at work and demands at home with no problem, their house is clean and their bank account has plenty. Again the list goes on. 

As I go through the week and am hit with my reality: I have forgotten about a mandatory work training after hours with no childcare, can't keep up with my child's pre-school requirements for reporting what days/times he comes and goes (I barely know), double booked patients, sink so full of dirty dishes my overflow is on the stove, waking up to dog diarrhea, unmet expectations and again the list goes on. This is just one of my weeks. But I have to stop, take a deep breathe or two and remember that it's okay. I remind myself their is no such thing as a perfect parent and I must put into practice the famous line that I'm always telling my 5 year old son, which is....'to do your best and forget the rest'. Forget according to dictionary.com is to "put out of one's mind; cease to think of or consider." Of course easier said then done. Worth reminding myself. Have to start somewhere. 

I'm my pause--breathed--I ask myself: What really counts in this life? That is a question I ask myself a lot more lately as I come face to face on a daily basis with people who are fighting cancer along with dealing with everyday life's day to day trials and tribulations. Each day I'm impressed with what people can handle and other people's life snapshots make my life snapshot look like a piece of cake. I'm reminded that your not guaranteed each day, not guaranteed your good health, job, family and the list goes on. 

I'm thankful for grace. Undeserved and unearned favor that comes from God. A God who knows our stories---the good--the bad--the ugly, but loves us the same. The catch is that we have to believe it and accept it. Easier said then done. 

"Let us praise God for his glorious grace, for the free gift he gave us in his dear Son!"(Ephesians 1:6)

As a working parent I want to say thanks to my Mom and Dad for the love, sacrifices, sleepless nights and money spent on raising me. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do and now more than ever I appreciate and have a glimpse of your world. It is hard. Worth it, but hard. 

I welcome waves of grace and pray I learn to let the waves wash over me more often than not. It's a journey. Life that is. Parenting. Being a working mom (or dad). Until next time.

Been Awhile

I love journaling and writing, but haven't done much lately. Kinda been in a funk. I have all kinds of thoughts and ideas, as well as fears and struggles floating through my mind. Most of us do. Welcome to life. I'm keeping to myself lately, which definitely has its pros and cons. Different seasons in life. This season of mine is by choice. Been a challenging one to say the least. Filled with lots of grace. Thank goodness. Some days I do better than others accepting it. Don't we all. 

The other day I had the chance to sit beside a friend who recently suffered a stroke. Pretty bad one I might add. Speech and cognition impacted and it has been life changing for all. I can't say I understand, but I try. I got to pull up a chair and sit next to this friend. We looked out the window together...watching people come and go as they please. My friend cannot come and go as he may please. It makes you think. Made me think. We take so much for granted. Our health. Our families. Our freedoms. Peeing on your own. The list goes on. It's my reminder to enjoy each day I'm given no matter the season I'm in. I fail miserable sometimes, most times, but it's something I strive for. Finding joy in the everyday grind of life. Despite the darkness and hardships that come our way. Life is hard. Not sure why I expect easy to be the norm. I'm complicated. Life is complicated. What gets me through is that God is with me. He never leaves. 

I am a big fan of k-love. Always have been even if they do play the same songs over and over. Always nice when a new song pops up. This one by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio the other day on my way to work. Just what I needed. This song captured my recent thoughts and feelings. It's worth a listen. 

https://youtu.be/cjetZn5lrBcy

Some of the lyrics...

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

A verse from Isaiah 43:2 comes to mind...

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

No matter how high our waters are or how hot the fires of this life may feel I need to remember God is with me. I tend to forget. Or I tend to not believe. At least lately. It's good to be reminded. 

Life is messy. Here's to finding joy and holding on to this hope I have in the depth of my soul. 

Grace on the Potty

The other night I was home with my son Jacob. We played cars together in his bedroom, which is one of his many favorite pastimes.  Then it was bath-time. I ran the bath water lukewarm just like he likes it--not too hot and not too cold--just right, and he hopped in. He always enjoys his time playing in the bath tub until it comes time to actually bathe him and wash his hair. I am pretty sure I'm not the only mom out there who runs into that problem.  You are not alone. We always survive and before you know it it's time to dry him off and put on his pj's.

I got Jacob out of the tub, wrapped him in a towel, and put him on the potty because he said, "He had to go." I made sure to wrap him up and pat him dry so he would not be too cold. My least favorite thing is getting out of the shower and being cold, so I did my best to dry him and keep him warm while on the potty. Bath time is always a special time. Uninterrupted one on one time with Jacob. The next thing you know Jacob is saying, "Thanks mom for doing everything for me." It was the sweetest thing ever and made my day, week and month. Just what I needed to hear in that moment. Being a full-time working mom I always feel I have not and am not spending enough time with   him. Or that I can't keep up with him and all the mom duties that are expected of me or that I expect of myself. I feel I can't do enough. But his sweet comment reminded me that the time spent and a mom's effort is not about quantity time, but quality time. I may not have the quantity time I would  like with my son in this season of life, but I have the ability to ensure I am spending quality time with him. I do my best to ensure my phone is put away and out of sight, listen,  make eye contact and dive into the world of pretend wherever his  creative storyline takes us.

That's also what God desires of us is. He desires our quality time, our undivided attention. Quantity without quality, our presence, is like going through the motions. Like filthy rags.

Isaiah 64:6(NIV)
"All of us have become like one who is unclean,
 and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
 and like the wind our sins sweep us away."

I'm guilty of giving God my filthy rags. Reading my devotional just to cross it off my to-do list, spending time on Facebook when God would love for me to put my phone down and soak up His word, maybe I did the dishes and then I'm too tired. But that is where God's grace comes in....

John 1:15-17 (NIV)
"(John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.  For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ."

I am so grateful that my son extends grace to me. I am even more grateful for the grace my loving God has extended to me and to all us us. If only I saw myself through the same lens God and Jacob sees me through. Loved. Qualified. Covered in Grace. If only you saw yourself through God's lens. You can. Work in progess. Until the next bath.

Grace for the Shooter

It's hard to turn on the news anymore, because it's one scary world out there and the news always seems to make the world we live in just that much scarier. At this point I just want to take my whole family and live in a bubble. A safe bubble where we can enjoy life and are kept safe from the bad stuff. I feel that way even more now after having a child. I watch my son play so free and I love his naivety. He does not have a care in the world and does not understand that life is scary. Wish I could keep it that way. But that's not reality. As a parent we do our best to protect our kids, but it is also our job to prepare them for life on their own. Out in the real world, where evil exists and life can be taken so abruptly. 

I write all of this in light of the breaking news of the Oregon shooting that took place this past week. It seems too often these stories are reported. Since it occurred I keep thinking about all those impacted, what they must be going through, what it is like to lose a child, what is it like to have your child lash out in such a way....I just don't know. I cannot even begin to put myself in their shoes. 

 

The world grace keeps pressing on my heart.  Grace for the shooter, grace for his family and how only God's grace guarantees that when our time has come to an end on this earth we will 

live in eternity with Him. 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10

 

Grace is unmerited favor. Cannot earn it, but is gifted to us when we ask Jesus Christ into our hearts to be Lord of our lives. I can't help wondering what kind of life Chris Harper-Mercer had. What supports were in place for him, what supports did his family have, and the list goes on. I can only imagine. I think about so many others out there who may be on the brink of doing the same thing. 

God loved Chris Harper-Mercer. God knows his story. I know God is heartbroken. God knows your story. 

 

I wonder...What is my role in all of this? What can I do differently? Why I know that living in a bubble won't help this world I live in. 

 

My first thought is my role in sharing the message of Jesus Christ, because I am a believer that a personal relationship with Jesus Christ will transform your life on earth. I believe life after this earthly life will be filled with joy and peace in heaven. I want everyone I know to experience this. 

 

As a Christian...I want to do so much. I wanna change the world and do life better. Wake up and be thankful for each day I have with the ones I love. We are not guaranteed each day. 

 

"13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:13-15

Life is too short. I want to trust God more. Love others more. Know how blessed I am and be thankful each day. I want to change the world. Pray more. 

 

 

 

 

Jesus said--“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

 

I don't have all the answers. No one does. 

 

Worth a listen--Storycorps

 

http://www.npr.org/2015/10/02/445024863/in-the-long-shadow-of-a-hijacking-the-children-seek-a-new-peace

 

or

 

http://www.npr.org/2015/10/02/445024863/in-the-long-shadow-of-a-hijacking-the-children-seek-a-new-peace

Here I am across the country and by no means directly impacted by the events that took place on this Oregon Community College campus. But can't help but wonder what guilt does this shooter's family and friends carry? Past shooters' loved ones? How are they doing now? Do those who lost a loved one by the perpetrator reach out like Andy Downs did? How can we de-stigmatize mental health? How can our society do better with helping those who suffer mental and emotional disabilities? What is my role as a Christian? What is the church's role? Do my prayers help? Matter? I wish I could do more. 

 

I pray for those whose lives have been forever changed. Pray their hearts would find grace and forgiveness for the shooter, just as Andy Downs did for Angelia Sheer's father who suffered from mental illness. I believe in healing. As Angelia shared in her interview, "Just meeting you helped my heart and soul understand their was still love and compassion in the world even when their is so much darkness."

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 

1 Corinthians 13:13

Traffic Tickets, Death and God's grace

 *wrote this back in October--now just getting a chance to post.

It has been several weeks now since I got my traffic violation leaving work on a Friday afternoon--quite frazzled if I may add. Looking back now I wonder why I was so frazzled, it seems I have already forgotten the specifics of what had been weighing me down that day, that week, and for that matter that month. Now as I write I remember what triggered the storm and angst. About mid-September I lost a dear friend. I had been invited by phone personally to attend her funeral. As a courtesy it is my assumption that your friends and family members will pay respects by attending your funeral when you pass, but being on the receiving end and getting that personal invitation was so special. I will never forget it, nor will I ever forget my friend. I may just have to follow suit and do the same when my time comes, that is if I get advanced notice, because you never do know when death will come knocking at your door. You can tell I have just finished studying the book of Ecclesiastes where Solomon speaks about life as ‘hebel’ in Hebrew and translated into English as ‘vapor.’ Vapor being defined by Merriam-Webster as “something unsubstantial or transitory” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vapor). I know my Jewish friend would appreciate my Hebrew reference from the Old Testament.  I miss sharing my faith with her. I hope I shared enough…

That is where the whole traffic story started. A close friend passed and as I reflect back on our time together guilt began to overtake me and I felt like I had failed her and failed God. I didn't share the gospel of Jesus; I missed the opportunities to REALLY share my faith in Christ and my personal testimony. I didn't listen to the promptings and held back for fear of offending. Or did I do my best and stay true to who I am, which is a fallen flesh, but a devoted lover and follower of Christ, and a loved child of God. It was haunting me. The last visit with her I was late and all because I stayed at work later than planned. I had to go even though she didn't answer her phone. I arrived and she was fast asleep. When I walked into her room she was like a sleeping baby, peaceful and all curled up and snuggled in her bed. Just like you never wake a sleeping baby, I could not wake her. For fear of my last visit, I eventually tried. No luck. I remember an aide coming in and placing her hand on her chest, like you do when you check your baby in the crib to make sure their still breathing.  The aide said, "I just wanted to make sure she is still breathing."  She was.

I sat there in the chair across from her bed.  Playing on my I-phone, because that is what we do when we don't know how to sit still. Then I stopped. I just sat and watched her breathing, and I prayed. Prayed that she would come to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and prayed for peace, comfort, her family, etc. I left a hand written note and headed home. That was the last time I saw her.

Driving to pick up my son from childcare that day I felt so tired, stressed, burdened.   I had been carrying a heavy weight on my shoulders and asking God why. I had been getting no answers. I guess I turned left on green yield which is allowed, but my violation of not yielding to the pedestrians walking was what was worthy of a ticket.  Not only did I not yield to the pedestrians on one occasion, but twice. That is why you are not supposed to use your cell phone while driving. Bad habit I am still trying to kick--it is truly dangerous. I was pulled over and the truth is I had no idea what I had done. Actually I knew I had just used my cell phone and that is against the law in the state I was in.  But I felt that the officer did not pull me over for that.  The short built and stern faced officer approached my window and rather abruptly said, “Mam do you know why I pulled you over?”  I honestly proceeded to say no, but shared that I had been using my cell phone. He was not too happy. I told on myself. I guess you could say I confessed. The officer asked me for my driver’s license and insurance. Of course I could not find the car insurance paperwork anywhere—or at least not a current one and to add to the mess my license had just expired. I was screwed.  The officer walked away very mad and I do not blame him, totally guilty on so many levels and all I could was sit there and pray in my seat.

I don't remember what I prayed, because I deserved the ticket. I prayed even though I had been feeling distant from God. It was the cost I was worried about. The officer came over and named each violation and how much each one should cost. The tickets totaled so somewhere around $700, but he said he would only charge me for one violation and this was saving me $550 or so. I just began to cry and tears began rolling down my face. The officer's tone and facial expressions changed. He gave me grace. Grace as described in the Bible as “unmerited favor.” Felt like in that moment in time God was telling me, “Megan I am full of grace, and all your violations have been erased--I don't even make you pay for one. Jesus Christ was sent by God to die on the cross for your sins, God's only son. We are forgiven. We just have to ask for God's forgiveness, ask Christ into our hearts, and confess in faith that He is Lord of our lives. All those life violations--sin—are and have been washed away. 'White as snow', as David says in the Psalms.  Megan only I can turn hearts to me, but you are my vessel, you are the light, and keep shining bright. You were you. I know you’re upset because I can't explain it all and unable to answer all your whys. Trust and rest in me.” That day I felt God's grace pour over me. I needed it. I was reminded to give myself some grace and that I can never earn God's grace, but that I have to ask and receive and trust. A weight lifted.

I miss you friend.

 Meg

Baby on Board

So I started my first blog and I am so excited, but must admit I do not know the first thing about blogging.  I am the type of person that will spend months researching something and then loose interest and never get around to doing whatever I hoped because I researched too much. I say all that because I  doing something so non-Megan and just started this blog on a whim and plan to make this first post without any research. I love it...so out of my element. Fun having those moments where you live outside your comfort zone. So, back to the inspiration for this post.

 Who has ever seen those bright yellow diamond shaped 'baby on board' signs hanging on peoples car windows? Who has ever wondered what the heck they mean. My first thought was they are alerting other drivers to drive safely because they have a cute little fragile newborn on board. This thought of course was before I had my son.  Naive and innocent interpretation to say the least.  I am currently two months into commuting two hours both ways to work and back with my twenty-month old son I have an entirely new interpretation of those signs. Really they are warning signs for the following:

I probably have not slept in months, so the probability of me falling asleep at the wheel is very likely, so watch your back.

My kid(s) in the backseat may decide to throw their bottle or baba as my son says, toy or pacifier (pah-ee) and on a real good day all three and then scream and expect me to retrieve them while driving. So the likelihood of me swerving is just as likely or even more likely than me falling asleep. So beware.

I may be jamming out to my kid(s) favorite CD for the millionth time that I forget that red means stop and I keep on cruising through the red light.  Oops. Oh wait that would be a New York driver on any given day, baby on board' sign or not. Sorry native New Yorkers, just so true. Still love you though and your rebel road ways are starting to rub off on me.

The moral of the story is that this little sign actually is amazing and kudos to whomever invented it. I wish I was that smart. The above warnings are summed  up in one easy to read statement with the neon yellow back splash. Which I must mention on the road portrays danger and slow down, i.e.: slippery when wet or work zone.

Next time you spot that 'baby on board' sign in the mini van or grey ford escape with the Virginia plates driving like a New Yorker you may want to give a few extra car lengths of space, send up a prayer or give a little extra grace. There is a mom or dad behind the wheel--or maybe both who are doing their best.

From a mom who couldn't imagine commuting with anyone else.